The Right Kind of Ego Problem...?

I had a decision to make and I needed his advice!

Going over the many years that I have known him, I reveled over the constant change in the superficial, defining elements of our relationship...

We started as two people assigned to work together on solving an impossible orgainzational riddle...

Then he became my mentor...

Then we were peers...

and he was my mentor...

Then he was my superior...

and he was my mentor...

then we were just friends...

and he was my mentor...

Then I was his superior...

and he was my mentor...

Over the course of our relationship one aspect did change...it, in fact, grew...it was the respect that we had for eachother's perspective...

I believe that soon after we "formally" agreed upon the mentoring relationship, it became mutual mentoring...

He once told me that the reason that he asked to mentor me...was more that he needed a mentor... and that he respected my advice and guidence....and that his meager offerings were payment for a greater gift...that he received from me!

I wrote that off as "his rum" talking...but I never forgot that!

If just an iota of that sentence were true...it was a great honor and a great responsibility...

For all I knew...it could have been part of his plan and way of teaching me...or simply a way to keep me around...I didn't care...

"So...do you write this play...produce it...or...direct it?" he said with that sly smile...

He knew that the company had given me a set of choices...he couldn't hide it!

"I hate the fact that although you work for me...they talk with you more than me..." I responded...

"WE BOTH work for them...and there is nothing better than having two perspectives isn't there?" he admonished...

"I do not work for you!  I work with you!  I taught you that lesson a long time ago!  If you ever have that feeling with anyone...that is...that they work for you...IMMEDIATELY RESIGN YOUR POSITION!" he reprimanded..."How could you be so arrogant and condescending?"  "Only the most infantile and deluded managers hold on to that Victorian concept of management!"

He was right...he never really worked for me...for all I really knew...he was doing what he was doing as a test of me!  When he was my boss...I worked with him...not for him!  I knew the feeling...but I let the perception of my position within the hierarchy get to me for a brief moment!  I never forgot that brief lesson...and I now shake my head in disbelief when I watch the former "high school towel boys, who are trying to prove someting ," pull rank on the undeserving!

I have watched many leaders let their egos get in the way of success...by that simple phrase...and belief!  It can be likened to putting themselves on equal par with God...almost every religion has a story about some arrogant person or being, who attempted to "take the throne" and we all know (well many) what happened to him or her!

All that aside...There was also one absolute constant in our relationship...implicit trust and loyalty...

I could trust him to watch out for my well being, over his personal interests and aspirations...in fact, he looked out for me so well...that I never had to "watch my back."  I returned the favor and he never had to look out for himself!  I often thought that if I had to "give it all up" for him...I would...and I knew he would do the same...

I remember a time when that loyalty was tested...and I stood my ground!  I pulled out my "mobile resignation" and signed it!  The organization immediately recanted...knowing that if he left...and I left...our teams would follow...(I hoped so!)...and they couldn't aford that...(I later found out that most of my team and his team lacked the guts to back us up...how sad!  What users! Will I ever learn?)

That characteristic in any realtionship is a rarity.  "Most people are ultimately self-serving and would cut your throat, at the first opportunity...rather than get a razor burn..." he would often say.  Most are less than "fair weather friends"...a little cloud casts a shadow nearby and they'll turn and run!"

It was sad...he was right!  Most of the people that I thought that I could implicitly trust turned out to be hollow plaster mannequins!  I love that mental image...a seemingly hard exterior...but in reality...crumbly...and ...hollow...nothing of substance beyond that weak shell!

I committed to myself to NEVER to be like that!  An unwritten but driving mission...perhaps better stated...a standard of personal performance...within my mission...I have learned to abhor those type of people...

I could write for the rest of my life about how appalling those kind of people are...and how they are a drain on the earth's precious resources and how they are even a waste of the air that they breath, convert to smoke and blow up innocent people's ...OK...I have to stop...even giving them recognition is a waste!

I once heard that the opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference...

It is true...the worse thing that you can do to these kind of people is not to hate them...but become indifferent to their existence!  Do not give them the pleasure of recognition or confirm their value through a reaction...do not recognize their life...

"If a tree falls in the woods...and noone hears it...there is no sound!"  "If a person is like that...do not recognize their existence...and give them life!  Poor logic...but his point was always well made!

In that light...I say...  

...  

...  

...  

...  

NOTHING!

I am so thankful that I had someone enter my life that modeled true loyal behavior and I was given numerous chances to prove that I was capable of also being truely loyal and trustworthy...

"So what are you going to do?  You have three opportunities in front of you...you can run this specific location...you can direct the overall organizational strategy...or you can oversee the finances."

"Just like a movie!  the Writer, Director, or Producer!"

"What do you think?" I asked him...

"That is a question that you and you alone have to answer...I will never tell you what direction you should choose!  The path must be your decision..."

"A real mentor would never give you that advice...A real friend would not...the only time I would even hint at a path is if I saw it leading to your demise!"

"A real mentor?  That is pretty egotistical of you!" I taunted...but I heard him...

...and he heard me!

"Egotistical?  Let's talk about egos for a bit..."

As soon as I heard that and saw his sly smile, I knew that I had been blindfolded and lead directly into a trap!

"There are two kinds of egos...good ones and bad ones..."

"No...let me say that differently...there are two kinds of egos...those that are deserved and those that are not..."

I am using ego and confidence in the same context at this point in the discussion...

Each one of us has an ego...some self-image that we believe in and protect...

Some people have a justified ego and others do not...the size of the populations of each group is of no consequence to our thinking right now...but you can guess, and probably with accuracy, which group holds the greatetr number of people...

All egos are built...we may believe that some people are born with HUGE egos...but I have found that not to be the case...this is an entirely different discussion that we'll take up over "my rum" some evening...

Egos are necessery for one to be successful...but there must be substance behind what you believe in yourself...some of that belief, in fact most of it, should be built on prior success.  It does not have to be experience on the path that you are walking...but it needs to hold definite lines of similarities.

A highly successful kidney surgeon has an ego related to kidney surgery...he may or may not be justified in his ego related to surgery alone however...he could be an absolute novice (having an unjustified ego) in other surgeries however...like brain surgery...but could be justified on a simple surgery like an appendectomy.  There are right uses of one's ego and bad!

Egos should be guarded, because they are truely frail creatures...they must be constantly fed...or they will whither and die...they must be constantly analyzed...asking questions of it like has the world passed me up?

Never allow your past experience feed an ego for too long...because memories lose their nutirtional value quickly...yes...they have a shelf life...and an expiration date!

Although this sounds like an extreme psychological problem...everyone has multiple egos...unless of course he or she is so highly specialized that they only have one thing that they do...

But let's think about it for a moment...

This is why I am using ego and confidence in the same context...

You have a certain ego for public speaking...

another for driving in traffic...

another for leading people...

another your current career path...

another for the paths that you are contemplating taking...

You have an ego for math, science, cooking, fixing your car...

The list is nearly infinite...

Writers have an ego related to their ability to put words on paper...

Producers on gathering and justifying financial support...

Directors on taking words from paper and putting them into the mouths of people and then capturing them on film...

Each successful one knows that they can do a great job, in a way that noone else can!

Over time some writers learn how directors convert those words...and become great directors...and on and on...

That is where you are at...you are at a crossroad...and need to assess what kind of ego problem you have!

Do you have the right kind...?  Which means are you warranted in choosing another path...

...or...

Do you have an inflated ego...filled with air and lacking any substance...?

Have you deluded yourself into believing that you are capable of things that you are not...

Has your delusion become so real to yourself that you have others believing it too?

The bottom-line of this discussion is for you to GET REAL!

The beauty of where you are standing at this juncture in your life is that you have an ego finely tuned to one of the choices...it is highly probably that the other paths may not be the best fit!

That is no miracle...the fact of the matter is...that at any point in your life...you have that set of choices...it usually doesn't become apparent until the choice is BIG!  They are always there, to those who are astute enough to see them...

Another gift of this world is that very few things are really constant...you can use your choices to feed the other egos and prepare you for the "jump" from one path to another...

Just do not jump too soon...sometimes the gap is too large for you to traverse it...then guess what happens? 

...FAILURE...

Where is your ego justified...where does it have substance and lacks delusion?

You have all three egos...

One of them is right...the other two have some growing up to do!

"One of them is the Right ego problem to have... "

"The other two are not and they lower you to the level of of the hoard of rabid lemmings!" 

With that...he stopped talking...

I thought for just a moment...and realized that he had told me which job that he thought I should take...and I did!  Not because he told me...but because he confirmed what I believed...

I have never regretted...his advice!

and more importantly...

His loyalty...